Hello again

Wow. I can't believe that it has been over a year since I posted on this blog.

1 year and life is so different than what it was and yet - so much is the same.

I don't know what this page will become, but maybe it will be a part of my healing.

Today is the day I am putting God back in the drivers seat. Heck - He was there the whole time, I just thought that I had control of the wheel from the passenger side. I think a lot of us do that especially when we feel broken. We put the petal to the metal in hopes that we can get to where we think we need to go fast and all will be right again. The idea that we are doing something gives us the false sense that we are in control. Oh man are we so wrong. We are just going following the GPS into a construction zone and hearing a voice scream "rerouting" over and over and over and over.

Here's to day 1 of finding my grace and grit again.

Grace

We are in a weird time. Every day I wake up and I am more confused than I was the day before - and today was no different. This morning I turned on the TV and the continual wheel of questions in my mind started spinning again.

What is really going on?

What are they not telling us?

When is this going to be over?

Just as my anxiety started to rise, my husband called me. As we spoke he told me about a handful of very bothersome interactions that he had in the matter of 2 hours. As he described every situation, he would say "I don't get it. Why is everyone acting so scared of everything? The masks, the gloves, the terrified looks - it's just too much. Why are they acting like this?"

SIDE NOTE:
PERSONALLY, I believe that what is happening right now is very questionable on so many levels. I won't get into all of my thoughts and feelings, but one thing I know is that we need to be very careful what we open our minds and hearts to at this time.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it" Proverbs 4:23

I took a moment to really think about how to answer his question. I understand that COVID is nothing to mess around with and NO ONE wants to be sick or see anyone else sick. I fully understand that people are losing their lives and the virus isn't completely understood. And the thought of that is unsettling. BUT I think the wide eyed look that your see in most peoples eyes right now isn't fear of the sickness, I think it is a fear of losing control. This "place" we are in doesn't make sense. We are being told what we can do, where we can go, if we can work. We don't know if we can get toilet paper, obtain government assistance or every open our businesses ever again. Even the simple things like haircuts, doctor visits and sitting down for a meal in a restaurant, which we took for granted 2 months ago, is not in our control. And the fear of losing that control and not knowing when we will get it back is terrifying. I responded to him "I think people are acting the way they are is because we don't have any right answers, no promises of when life will be normal and we have little control over anything. And I, like everyone else, have no idea what to do about it."

As funny as it may sound, God spoke to my heart through my dog. My new puppy has a love for chewing on everything and just as she was about to grab the remote off of the coffee table, I yelled "GRACE!" (her name is Gracie, but when she is naughty - which is often - I obviously go to GRACE). After I secured the remote from her reach a little light bulb flipped on in my head. I picked up my phone and I searched Google for Bible Verses about grace.

If I could use one word to describe the world in this moment it would be weak. As a whole we feel defeated, powerless and at the point of breaking. Right now, in our weakness, we need His grace. In His grace is where we find peace, strength and rest. It is also through His grace we can find the grace to give to others. Personally I have been finding myself frustrated, angry and so hurt by the actions of people lately - towards me and towards other people. And for me, that is where my fear over COVID comes from. Not the Virus itself, but how it is spreading so much hate and separation between us. And why - we are all in the same boat. We are all in a season of weakness. And through that weakness we can turn to Jesus Christ for strength. We just have to ask.

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Today open your heart and ask for His strength, His grace and the grace to see through the anger, fear and frustration in others and see it for what it really is - weakness in a time when we need His strength and rest.

Pray this prayer with me: Lord, thank you for this new day. Thank you for another opportunity to experience your wonderful blessings Lord. I come to you today in my weakness. My heart is heavy and I need your strength. We all need your strength Lord. Please lift us up with your Mighty hand and rain down your grace, strength and love upon us all. Heal this world, heal those who are sick, heal the hearts that are hurting and heal those who are suffering. We pray all of this through your son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song to add inspire you today: The Is a Cloud

Centered

7 years.

It has been 7 whole years since I have written here.
Wow.
I originally started this blog in 2012 and titled it "The Hardware In My Head". It was all about my running experiences with a little God sprinkled in here and there. Since 2012, my life evolved to more God experiences with some running sprinkled in here and there. Well, lots of running until recently. A nagging injury has forced me to take a step back in the running department and an anxiety issue has forced me to take a long hard look at my life in general (I will go more into this in a later post).

Where is my center?

If you are a runner, you will no doubt understand what I am about to say. Running is life. You wake up with one thought: "God, please have me be able to poop before I run." It's gross, but it's serious #2 business. If you have ever had to run with a rock in your gut or had to squat behind a tree, you know the struggle. But really - if you are a runner - running is the first thing that pops into your head in the morning (when/where/miles/pace) and the last thing you think about at night (planning run for tomorrow). And I am no exception. Running was the center of my life and when I had to take time off to deal with an injury, I lost my center - or so I thought. The longer I had to heal, the more I obsessed over running.

How much longer until I can run again?

Will I lose all of my endurance?

How long will it take me to get it back?

What if I never run again?

God, please let me run again.

Running was the thing I thought about the most. Even more than when I was running. And that was a problem in more ways than one. Running, even when I wasn't doing it, was causing me so much discontentment and anxiety. I thought about it ALL. OF. THE. TIME. My brain was consumed with doing everything that I could do to make myself better (PT, Chiro, Massage, Acupuncture) that I was beyond miserable. And then I had to answer a VERY tough question that I asked myself:

Who am I?  

The first thing that came to my mind is "I am a runner", and the next thing was "And.....?" Wow....that 3 letter word weighed heavy on my heart. In the and was where I learned who I really am. I am MORE than a runner. Running is just one small part of me and it is NOT the only thing I want to be remembered as. So who do I want to be remembered as? Simple. It is the title I was born with and it is the title I will die with: I AM A CHILD OF GOD. God is the one who blessed me in so many ways and running is just one of them. And in my selfish pity party, I was NOT content with all of those other blessing because I was so focused on what I didn't have at the moment. And the worst part of it was that what should have been at the center of my life (God) wasn't.

Matthew 6:25-26

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Philippians 4:12-13

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Sounds so easy right? Well it is. But as humans we are far from perfect - even me LOL. Are there days when I panic about getting back into running? Absolutely! Are there moments where I go feet first down the "running on the brain" wormhole? Oh yeah. But, I am working on changing a mindset that I have had for years and it will take practice. When I struggle with putting running on the outer rings of my life, I have to give myself a little grace and keep running towards Him. 

New Adventure - Competing For Those Who Can't

I remember the first time I opened an Oxygen Magazine in 1997 and saw the women on the pages.  They were my version of Barbie - wide backs, round shoulders, thick legs and 6 pack abs. They had the perfect body in my eyes. Jen Hendershott, Monica Brant, Jenny Worth, Kelly Ryan - these women were the type of woman that I wanted to be. Beautiful, confident, strong and top athletes. They were FIGURE COMPETITORS! For years I paged through the mags, did their workouts and dreamed of the day when I would step on stage. And that was as far as it went. Dreams, wishes and "some days". I'm not going to lie, I knew I had what it took physically to step on stage. I could do the workouts and the diet, but the confidence was what I lacked. I am the type of person who LOVES being covered up. The less skin, the better. And wearing a bikini in public was NOT high on my list of to do's and actually something that I had never done before. Call it being shy, humble, silly...whatever. I just don't like to be "out there" like that. I would rather show you my ability by lifting something heavy or running a race, but to be judged for what I looked like, half naked no less, scared me to death.

So, I ran from my fear. I ran 5K's, 10K's, 8 milers, 10 milers, half marathons, relays....I ran, and ran and ran. I used running as my excuse why I couldn't do a figure show. (Figure competitors are not supposed to run long mileage because it hinders muscle growth and runners aren't supposed to put on too much muscle because it will slow you down...see my conundrum?) I was comfortable running so that's what I did. So last year when I dedicated my running season to BTS, I ran hard and I ran a lot. I got new PR's in every distance that I ran. When the season was over in the fall I was tired, beat up, a little bored and feeling like I had gone as far as I wanted to go in the running world. I had been there, done that and reached all of the goals that I wanted to. I needed a new challenge. I thought about a marathon, but that sounded more like torture to me than a new adventure. Yes, it would take me out of my comfort zone, but not in a fun and exciting way. I needed something different. 

So I prayed and God answered my question by asking me a question...If not now, when? Huh. True - I wasn't getting any younger, the timing wasn't 100% perfect and I could come up with a million excuses, but why not chase down the dream that I have been talking about for years? The only real reason I could come up with for not doing a show was a stupid four letter word...FEAR.

And I had to come face to face with the exact same things I tell my clients: Fear is not a valid excuse. It is a choice. It is something that you can choose to give in to or you choose to overcome. So I decided to make the leap. I accepted the fact that fear would be a part of my journey, but I wouldn't let it control me. And I wouldn't let my need for control control me either. I needed to let go of being a trainer and be the trainee. So, I hired an amazing coach, Brandan Fokken, to lead the way. I knew if I did this on my own I would let the fear sink in and question every aspect of my training and diet. I trusted him 100% and for the first time in my life I let someone else tell me what to do. LOL! I did my workouts, followed my diet and put myself in his hands. Now, I'm not going to lie, the fear almost had me the first time I tried my suit on (and about 99 other times) and I questioned my coach about a lot of things, but I never gave up. I couldn't...I wouldn't. I knew in my heart that God had this in His plan for me. He gave me a body that COULD, so I had to stay in the mindset that I WOULD. And I DID!!!

Taking 1st in Figure A Class

Going out for Overall Figure

Minnesota State June 22, 2013

I overcame the fear and I stepped through the other side a stronger person. I completed a major goal in my life and there was NOTHING like that sense of pride and accomplishment. All of the times I wanted to give up, all of the days when questions filled my head and the negative jibber jabber that came from people who didn't understand my passion isn't what I will remember about this journey. I will remember the PRIDE I felt from all of the hard work that I put into this, the ENCOURAGEMENT from those who never gave up on me and the FAITH that I knew the Lord would get me through it.

New Angel

Earlier this year I was asked by Joni Ness to run for her sister in law Christie Engelmann who was battling a form of brain tumor called a pilocytic astrocytoma. Today Christie lost her battle. Please pray for her family and friends who will need strength and love at this time. May you walk in the house of the Lord Christie and be an Angel that watches over all of those who are still battling brain tumors.

1st Time For Everything - 10K and a "Naked" 4 miler

Today, on the 12th anniversary of being brain tumor free,  I ran the Amery Fall Fest 10K with my mom. It was her first 10K and I was SO honored to be running it by her side on my anniversary. I'm not sure who was more nervous, her or me? She had a goal in mind and I was going to do everything I could to help her reach it. I knew the course was challenging with lots of hills and only 1 water stop, but I wasn't going to let her know that. I told her it was "no big deal" - just a few small hills. I didn't see any need to freak her out - we were going to run the route no matter what, either way the hills would still be there. As we started, I kept pace with her. I told her we would speed up if she felt she needed to, but if she kept the pace she was at, she would get the time she wanted. For me, I had been struggling with running since The Women Rock 1/2 Marathon. My pace felt slow, the runs felt really hard and I had "Negative Nancy" chirping in my ear every time I laced up my shoes. I was worried that the same thing would happen during this 10K and I might have a hard time being a good running buddy for my mom. To my surprise, the slower pace she was keeping felt great. My feet didn't hurt, my legs felt light and "Nancy" was gone. We chugged up the hills, chatted when we were on the flats and her energy and excitement was keeping us both going. Around mile 5 I could tell she was struggling a bit, so Trainer Tera kicked it into high gear. Just because she was my mom, I wasn't going to go easy on her. We took a short walk break for her to catch her breath and I told her my little secret I say to myself during every race. "This may be hard NOW, but it WILL be over soon. You only have one chance at THIS race, so don't do anything that you will regret when it's over". That must have lit a fire under her buns, because she ran the rest of the way. And at 1:03:05 we crossed the finish line. She did it and she had NO REGRETS. And when she got 1st place in her age group, I couldn't have been more proud!!!
After the race I decided to take a run by myself. Amery has a beautiful running trail that only the 5K'ers get to experience, so I had to check it out myself.  I left my watch and ipod behind and ran "naked". I can't remember the last time I had done that. I would rather hear the beat of the music than the pounding of my feet and, like many runners,  I NEED TO KNOW how fast I just ran that last mile. But I wanted to make this a run where I shut everything out. This was a run just for me and God. I had a lot to be thankful for - I was celebrating my 12 year anniversary doing something that I love with the people I love. And only by the Grace of God was I able to do that. I ran, I prayed, I thanked and I took in EVERYTHING around me. For four miles I reflected on the person I was BBT (before brain tumor), the person I have become since and the blessing the past 12 years have been. If things had went differently 12 years ago, well I really don't want to think about that. They went the way they went because God has a plan for me. He has given me the opportunity to be a wife, a runner, have the career of my dreams, be a better friend/sister/daughter than I was and appreciate the small things in life. I would never want to ever experience having a brain tumor ever again, but it was an experience I was meant to have. The blessing he gave me 12 years ago wasn't wrapped up in a pretty box and tied with a bow, but it was a gift. A gift that made me a happier person with a stronger faith and desire to make a difference.
Life doesn't always go the way WE planned. We may be throw for a loop by something that wasn't penciled into our Google Calendar or on or list of "to-do's", but if we stop for a second, step outside of ourselves, strip away all of the unnecessary "noise" and see the positive in the negative, we will experience the life that He has planned for us. And surprisingly, it may be better than what you had planned for yourself.

9/11 Tribute Patriot Relay

This past weekend I was honored to be a part of the 9/11 Tribute Patriot Relay in Hammond, WI. The 9/11 Tribute Patriot Relay Run was organized to raise funds for Patriot Runner, Jean Bringgold and Team Hope For The Warriors®. On November 4th, Jean will be joining Team Hope For the Warriors and carrying the American Flag through the streets of New York City as she runs the ING NYC Marathon. The mission of Hope For The Warriors® is to enhance the quality of life for post-9/11 service members, their families, and families of the fallen who have sustained physical and psychological wounds in the line of duty. Hope For The Warriors® is dedicated to restoring a sense of self, restoring the family unit, and restoring hope for service members and military families.

When you hear Jean talk about being a Patriot Runner, you can understand why she carries the flag. She has an amazing love for her country, pride in the men and women who fight for your freedom and is truly honored to waive the red, white and blue while doing something she loves. 

Jean Bringgold

During the relay, runners could walk or run 1/4 mile laps while carrying the flag that Jean will be carrying in the NYC marathon. When you look at the 3' x 5' flag, you'd think that running and carrying a flag wouldn't be that difficult. Well - after one lap around the track you'd be sadly mistaken. I chose to run 1 mile (4 laps around the track) with the flag and after the first lap I really felt the weight of the flag. But the weight I felt wasn't just in the aluminum post or the drag of the stars and stripes in the wind. It was the weight of what the flag meant. There I was, a woman, wearing a tank top and yoga pants, with the sun beaming on my exposed face, running for fun in a land where I can speak my mind, hold a job I love and have the life I chose to live all without the fear of being persecuted for it. I was carrying a flag that countless men and women had fought to protect, died to honor and lived to serve. It is a symbol of our freedom, a representation of the USA and a figure of what brought us together as a united country after 9/11. It stands for all the things that make America great - liberty, pride and honor. It is to be respected, held high and lit up so all can see it's beauty. At that moment I was carrying THE symbol of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and  honored every second I was able to hold her high. 

So, on the eve of the 11th anniversary of 9/11 (Patriot's Day), please take a moment to reflect on what the flag means to you. Also, remember that patriotism that you felt on 9/11/2001? This year don't just celebrate it on 9/11. Feel it, live it and honor it all year long. After all, the soldiers, police officers and firemen that keep this country and you safe don't just do their job one day a year - they serve us 24/7, 365 days a year.