7 years.
It has been 7 whole years since I have written here.Wow.
I originally started this blog in 2012 and titled it "The Hardware In My Head". It was all about my running experiences with a little God sprinkled in here and there. Since 2012, my life evolved to more God experiences with some running sprinkled in here and there. Well, lots of running until recently. A nagging injury has forced me to take a step back in the running department and an anxiety issue has forced me to take a long hard look at my life in general (I will go more into this in a later post).
Where is my center?
If you are a runner, you will no doubt understand what I am about to say. Running is life. You wake up with one thought: "God, please have me be able to poop before I run." It's gross, but it's serious #2 business. If you have ever had to run with a rock in your gut or had to squat behind a tree, you know the struggle. But really - if you are a runner - running is the first thing that pops into your head in the morning (when/where/miles/pace) and the last thing you think about at night (planning run for tomorrow). And I am no exception. Running was the center of my life and when I had to take time off to deal with an injury, I lost my center - or so I thought. The longer I had to heal, the more I obsessed over running.
How much longer until I can run again?
Will I lose all of my endurance?
How long will it take me to get it back?
What if I never run again?
God, please let me run again.
Running was the thing I thought about the most. Even more than when I was running. And that was a problem in more ways than one. Running, even when I wasn't doing it, was causing me so much discontentment and anxiety. I thought about it ALL. OF. THE. TIME. My brain was consumed with doing everything that I could do to make myself better (PT, Chiro, Massage, Acupuncture) that I was beyond miserable. And then I had to answer a VERY tough question that I asked myself:Who am I?
The first thing that came to my mind is "I am a runner", and the next thing was "And.....?" Wow....that 3 letter word weighed heavy on my heart. In the and was where I learned who I really am. I am MORE than a runner. Running is just one small part of me and it is NOT the only thing I want to be remembered as. So who do I want to be remembered as? Simple. It is the title I was born with and it is the title I will die with: I AM A CHILD OF GOD. God is the one who blessed me in so many ways and running is just one of them. And in my selfish pity party, I was NOT content with all of those other blessing because I was so focused on what I didn't have at the moment. And the worst part of it was that what should have been at the center of my life (God) wasn't.
Matthew 6:25-26
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your
life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is
not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or
reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you
not much more valuable than they?
Philippians 4:12-13
12 I know what it is
to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret
of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,
whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this
through him who gives me strength.
Sounds so easy right? Well it is. But as humans we are far from perfect - even me LOL. Are there days when I panic about getting back into running? Absolutely! Are there moments where I go feet first down the "running on the brain" wormhole? Oh yeah. But, I am working on changing a mindset that I have had for years and it will take practice. When I struggle with putting running on the outer rings of my life, I have to give myself a little grace and keep running towards Him.
