This week was a great week to start challenging myself because, well, it was a challenging week. It started off with my knee feeling "off" and it went sideways from there. If I'm being totally honest, this post is more of a way for me to talk through the thoughts in my head as a way to figure it all out. If you are reading this - get ready. The hamster on the wheel in my head is listening to "Crazy Train" and on a steady IV drip of espresso and uppers.
Pain is a huge trigger for me and my anxiety. As soon as I feel discomfort, I instantly go into a tailspin of "I will never feel good again". (I know this is a little crazy, but after everything that I have been through, my therapist assures me that it is totally normal - even though it does feel like I'm going bonkers). My PT wants me to take a step back from running to fix a few issues. That is what she said. What the hamster in my head said was "You are broken!!! You will never be able to run gain!!! The pain will never get better!!!" Dramatic? Yes. But that is where my brain goes. Side note: The weird thing is, I can have $2 in my bank account and all of my bills will be past due and I will be a cool as a cucumber. But stress over my body and the ability to move - I lose it. Go figure.
So where does one turn when their PT basically tells them they have to sit on the couch and not move one inch until everything is magically 100% again (I'm pretty sure that's not what she said, but that damn hampster said it was the truth)? I went to Instagram and Facebook and Tik Tok to scroll my worries away. But when every account you follow just ran the Chicago or Boston Marathon, my worries just compounded themselves.
PR at Boston!
Best run ever in Chicago!
I just finished my first marathon!
UGH! Why does every person get to injury free except me? None of these runners feel pain! They all look so happy. That used to be me! I could run for hours and feel great! I used to never take care of myself. Rolling and stretching - I NEVER EVEN TOOK time to cool down. And now I do all the right things and I HURT!!! (Told ya - it gets weird up in my noodle).
And here is the thing. I want to run, but I am terrified to run. I remember before my last big race something in my head switched. The thought of getting hurt would stop me in my tracks. Not pain, not an actual injury - just the thought. I would stand on my treadmill for an hour shaking before I would force myself to turn on the belt and take a step. After my race, I just decided that I couldn't do it anymore and I walked away from running for months. When spring rolled around again, I decided to give running another try. I was building up my miles, feel good, gearing up for some races and just as my confidence started coming back - I got hurt, bad. And the strange thing was, on that last run I had an eerie feeling that it would be the last time I would run for a while. That was July 4th. The day of my accident (if you are new here I will link you my accident).
I remember in the days after my accident, with broken bones and a tube from my lung to a disguting box filled with my bodily YUCK, I asked the question MULTIPLE times to my docs of when I could run again. The fire to heal, run and get my strength back was burning hot. I walked, lifted, stretched and rehabbed my lunges and on Aug 13 I ran for a few GLORIOUS minutes. And by Aug 22nd I walked/ran my way through a local 5K (I still am in awe of myself for that).
Since then, my anxiety has slowly creeped its way back into my head and I feel like I am back at square one. Terrified and dead in the water (no pun intended). It is where I am, but I don't want to be here. I feel like I am trapped in this weird box. I can look through all 3 sides but one side is boarded up with only a peep hole to look out of. Instead of seeing what is all around me, I keep going back to see things through that tiny hole. And the more I walk to that boarded up wall, the more I feel like everything is closing in around me.
What I am realizing is the more that I step in the direction of that small view point, the more I want to turn my back to the 3 glass walls. And it has become VERY easy to return over and over again. And that is the insanity of some habits right? We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again, but each time we expect to get a different result. It isn't until we try something different that we actually get a different result (major duh huh?).
So whether I succeed or fail, I am going to keep trying to walk face first into one of those glass walls with the hope that one of these days my hard head will break through.
