2 Doors

 

2 closed doors are before you. 

Each one leads to your future. 

The one on the right leads to a life where you continue to do all of the things that don’t serve you. A stagnant future riddled with fear, anxiety and wishes that never come true because your apprehension stops you from moving forward. 

The one on the left opens to a life where you stop living in doubt. The “what ifs” are replaced with confidence, the dread of failing is exchanged with an excitement of trying and the life that God had planned is right in front of you. 

Which door will you open? Left or Right? One opening requires faith, transformation and overwhelmingly hard work and the other doesn’t. 

The choice is yours.

Deep Breath

Today was a day where I realized that I have been holding my breath for a long time. I took a huge inhale one day and somehow I forgot to release it. I'm not sure when it happened, but I have been on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next bad thing to happen or the next catastrophy to come crashing down. Blame it on the stress, blame it on my anxiety, blame it on the crazy world we are loving in, but I have been "surviving" the days. Wake up, go to work, come home, sleep....repeat day after day, week after week and before you know it - a year has gone by and I am still in survival mode.

But today I exhaled. Today I decided that I want to live. Let me rephrase that...I want to start living. I want to take another deep breath, but this time I want to release the air in my lungs and feel the weight of the last few years wash off of me. The past few years that I hae been held hostage in my own body, my own mind and in my lack in faith. Letting my lack of faith in myself effect my faith in God's purpose for me.

So here we go - I'm taking a deep breath and letting go.....and letting God lead the way.

Crazy Train

 This week was a great week to start challenging myself because, well, it was a challenging week. It started off with my knee feeling "off" and it went sideways from there. If I'm being totally honest, this post is more of a way for me to talk through the thoughts in my head as a way to figure it all out. If you are reading this - get ready. The hamster on the wheel in my head is listening to "Crazy Train" and on a steady IV drip of espresso and uppers. 

Pain is a huge trigger for me and my anxiety. As soon as I feel discomfort, I instantly go into a tailspin of "I will never feel good again". (I know this is a little crazy, but after everything that I have been through, my therapist assures me that it is totally normal - even though it does feel like I'm going bonkers). My PT wants me to take a step back from running to fix a few issues. That is what she said. What the hamster in my head said was "You are broken!!! You will never be able to run gain!!! The pain will never get better!!!" Dramatic? Yes. But that is where my brain goes. Side note: The weird thing is, I can have $2 in my bank account and all of my bills will be past due and I will be a cool as a cucumber. But stress over my body and the ability to move - I lose it. Go figure. 

So where does one turn when their PT basically tells them they have to sit on the couch and not move one inch until everything is magically 100% again (I'm pretty sure that's not what she said, but that damn hampster said it was the truth)? I went to Instagram and Facebook and Tik Tok to scroll my worries away. But when every account you follow just ran the Chicago or Boston Marathon, my worries just compounded themselves. 

PR at Boston! 

Best run ever in Chicago! 

I just finished my first marathon! 

UGH! Why does every person get to injury free except me? None of these runners feel pain! They all look so happy. That used to be me! I could run for hours and feel great! I used to never take care of myself. Rolling and stretching - I NEVER EVEN TOOK time to cool down. And now I do all the right things and I HURT!!! (Told ya - it gets weird up in my noodle).

And here is the thing. I want to run, but I am terrified to run. I remember before my last big race something in my head switched. The thought of getting hurt would stop me in my tracks. Not pain, not an actual injury - just the thought. I would stand on my treadmill for an hour shaking before I would force myself to turn on the belt and take a step. After my race, I just decided that I couldn't do it anymore and I walked away from running for months. When spring rolled around again, I decided to give running another try. I was building up my miles, feel good, gearing up for some races and just as my confidence started coming back - I got hurt, bad. And the strange thing was, on that last run I had an eerie feeling that it would be the last time I would run for a while. That was July 4th. The day of my accident (if you are new here I will link you my accident). 

I remember in the days after my accident, with broken bones and a tube from my lung to a disguting box filled with my bodily YUCK, I asked the question MULTIPLE times to my docs of when I could run again. The fire to heal, run and get my strength back was burning hot. I walked, lifted, stretched and rehabbed my lunges and on Aug 13 I ran for a few GLORIOUS minutes. And by Aug 22nd I walked/ran my way through a local 5K (I still am in awe of myself for that).

Since then, my anxiety has slowly creeped its way back into my head and I feel like I am back at square one. Terrified and dead in the water (no pun intended). It is where I am, but I don't want to be here. I feel like I am trapped in this weird box. I can look through all 3 sides but one side is boarded up with only a peep hole to look out of. Instead of seeing what is all around me, I keep going back to see things through that tiny hole. And the more I walk to that boarded up wall, the more I feel like everything is closing in around me. 

What I am realizing is the more that I step in the direction of that small view point, the more I want to turn my back to the 3 glass walls. And it has become VERY easy to return over and over again. And that is the insanity of some habits right? We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again, but each time we expect to get a different result. It isn't until we try something different that we actually get a different result (major duh huh?). 

So whether I succeed or fail, I am going to keep trying to walk face first into one of those glass walls with the hope that one of these days my hard head will break through. 

365 Days of Me

This past year has been challenging for me in many ways. Fear has consumed me and my strength has wavered. I feel lost. But as I travel away from who I was, I left breadcrumbs along the way. This next year I am going to find my way back. As 2 Timothy 1:7 says: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Hello again

Wow. I can't believe that it has been over a year since I posted on this blog.

1 year and life is so different than what it was and yet - so much is the same.

I don't know what this page will become, but maybe it will be a part of my healing.

Today is the day I am putting God back in the drivers seat. Heck - He was there the whole time, I just thought that I had control of the wheel from the passenger side. I think a lot of us do that especially when we feel broken. We put the petal to the metal in hopes that we can get to where we think we need to go fast and all will be right again. The idea that we are doing something gives us the false sense that we are in control. Oh man are we so wrong. We are just going following the GPS into a construction zone and hearing a voice scream "rerouting" over and over and over and over.

Here's to day 1 of finding my grace and grit again.

Grace

We are in a weird time. Every day I wake up and I am more confused than I was the day before - and today was no different. This morning I turned on the TV and the continual wheel of questions in my mind started spinning again.

What is really going on?

What are they not telling us?

When is this going to be over?

Just as my anxiety started to rise, my husband called me. As we spoke he told me about a handful of very bothersome interactions that he had in the matter of 2 hours. As he described every situation, he would say "I don't get it. Why is everyone acting so scared of everything? The masks, the gloves, the terrified looks - it's just too much. Why are they acting like this?"

SIDE NOTE:
PERSONALLY, I believe that what is happening right now is very questionable on so many levels. I won't get into all of my thoughts and feelings, but one thing I know is that we need to be very careful what we open our minds and hearts to at this time.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it" Proverbs 4:23

I took a moment to really think about how to answer his question. I understand that COVID is nothing to mess around with and NO ONE wants to be sick or see anyone else sick. I fully understand that people are losing their lives and the virus isn't completely understood. And the thought of that is unsettling. BUT I think the wide eyed look that your see in most peoples eyes right now isn't fear of the sickness, I think it is a fear of losing control. This "place" we are in doesn't make sense. We are being told what we can do, where we can go, if we can work. We don't know if we can get toilet paper, obtain government assistance or every open our businesses ever again. Even the simple things like haircuts, doctor visits and sitting down for a meal in a restaurant, which we took for granted 2 months ago, is not in our control. And the fear of losing that control and not knowing when we will get it back is terrifying. I responded to him "I think people are acting the way they are is because we don't have any right answers, no promises of when life will be normal and we have little control over anything. And I, like everyone else, have no idea what to do about it."

As funny as it may sound, God spoke to my heart through my dog. My new puppy has a love for chewing on everything and just as she was about to grab the remote off of the coffee table, I yelled "GRACE!" (her name is Gracie, but when she is naughty - which is often - I obviously go to GRACE). After I secured the remote from her reach a little light bulb flipped on in my head. I picked up my phone and I searched Google for Bible Verses about grace.

If I could use one word to describe the world in this moment it would be weak. As a whole we feel defeated, powerless and at the point of breaking. Right now, in our weakness, we need His grace. In His grace is where we find peace, strength and rest. It is also through His grace we can find the grace to give to others. Personally I have been finding myself frustrated, angry and so hurt by the actions of people lately - towards me and towards other people. And for me, that is where my fear over COVID comes from. Not the Virus itself, but how it is spreading so much hate and separation between us. And why - we are all in the same boat. We are all in a season of weakness. And through that weakness we can turn to Jesus Christ for strength. We just have to ask.

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Today open your heart and ask for His strength, His grace and the grace to see through the anger, fear and frustration in others and see it for what it really is - weakness in a time when we need His strength and rest.

Pray this prayer with me: Lord, thank you for this new day. Thank you for another opportunity to experience your wonderful blessings Lord. I come to you today in my weakness. My heart is heavy and I need your strength. We all need your strength Lord. Please lift us up with your Mighty hand and rain down your grace, strength and love upon us all. Heal this world, heal those who are sick, heal the hearts that are hurting and heal those who are suffering. We pray all of this through your son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song to add inspire you today: The Is a Cloud

Centered

7 years.

It has been 7 whole years since I have written here.
Wow.
I originally started this blog in 2012 and titled it "The Hardware In My Head". It was all about my running experiences with a little God sprinkled in here and there. Since 2012, my life evolved to more God experiences with some running sprinkled in here and there. Well, lots of running until recently. A nagging injury has forced me to take a step back in the running department and an anxiety issue has forced me to take a long hard look at my life in general (I will go more into this in a later post).

Where is my center?

If you are a runner, you will no doubt understand what I am about to say. Running is life. You wake up with one thought: "God, please have me be able to poop before I run." It's gross, but it's serious #2 business. If you have ever had to run with a rock in your gut or had to squat behind a tree, you know the struggle. But really - if you are a runner - running is the first thing that pops into your head in the morning (when/where/miles/pace) and the last thing you think about at night (planning run for tomorrow). And I am no exception. Running was the center of my life and when I had to take time off to deal with an injury, I lost my center - or so I thought. The longer I had to heal, the more I obsessed over running.

How much longer until I can run again?

Will I lose all of my endurance?

How long will it take me to get it back?

What if I never run again?

God, please let me run again.

Running was the thing I thought about the most. Even more than when I was running. And that was a problem in more ways than one. Running, even when I wasn't doing it, was causing me so much discontentment and anxiety. I thought about it ALL. OF. THE. TIME. My brain was consumed with doing everything that I could do to make myself better (PT, Chiro, Massage, Acupuncture) that I was beyond miserable. And then I had to answer a VERY tough question that I asked myself:

Who am I?  

The first thing that came to my mind is "I am a runner", and the next thing was "And.....?" Wow....that 3 letter word weighed heavy on my heart. In the and was where I learned who I really am. I am MORE than a runner. Running is just one small part of me and it is NOT the only thing I want to be remembered as. So who do I want to be remembered as? Simple. It is the title I was born with and it is the title I will die with: I AM A CHILD OF GOD. God is the one who blessed me in so many ways and running is just one of them. And in my selfish pity party, I was NOT content with all of those other blessing because I was so focused on what I didn't have at the moment. And the worst part of it was that what should have been at the center of my life (God) wasn't.

Matthew 6:25-26

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Philippians 4:12-13

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Sounds so easy right? Well it is. But as humans we are far from perfect - even me LOL. Are there days when I panic about getting back into running? Absolutely! Are there moments where I go feet first down the "running on the brain" wormhole? Oh yeah. But, I am working on changing a mindset that I have had for years and it will take practice. When I struggle with putting running on the outer rings of my life, I have to give myself a little grace and keep running towards Him.